im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
