the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
