i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
