I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You ruined the universe
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
