we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
