My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
