hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
