My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
