the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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