I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
