The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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