I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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