she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
