I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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