Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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