I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
