there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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