life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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