I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
