words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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