nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
