Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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