Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
