i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
