you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
