The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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