just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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