ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
