Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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