the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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