I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
