Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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