"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
