Ambien. No doubt about it.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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