im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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