i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
