When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
