New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize