If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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