I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
