I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize