So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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