If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
