So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
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