i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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