I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize