Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
