Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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