Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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