I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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