Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize