I wish I could teleport
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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