fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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