i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
