I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
