Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
