Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
