I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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