I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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