12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
splinters make it hard to masturbate
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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