he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
