I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
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