Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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