I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
