That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize