Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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