just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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