i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
