I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Nicole vs. Life
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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