my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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