good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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