I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
