apparently the secret to your success is patron
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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